To Be Or Not To Be
by BTS-ARMY
Summary: AU. Facing the rising sun, Ivan stands on the rooftop of a skyscraper ready to jump off and end his life. During his last moment, he recounts his fondest memories to an old friend. ROCHU.


AN: This story is not very lighthearted to say the least lol. I don't know how heavy this actually is, but it does revolve around the idea of choosing between life and death. When I imagined the scene in my head I almost cried (HAHA), but in words...well I really don't know if it's as emotional as I imagined.

And BerylCoronet, our stories are so similar this time! :D

* * *

 _To be, or not to be, that is the question:  
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer  
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,  
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,  
And by opposing end them: to die, to sleep  
No more. _

_-Hamlet._

It looked beautiful. Despite of everything that had happened, and what he was planning to do, Ivan thought that the sky looked beautiful.

The dawn came with a musical silence, the soul hearing the melody that the ears could not. A new day had come, new possibilities, a fresh page yet to be written. But for one young man, it was his last sunrise.

Funny how he never saw the small beauties in life until he decided to end his own life. Yes, life was funny that way.

But no matter how brilliant the shimmering rays were, they were not meant for him.

Out of more than seven billion people on Earth, in a planet that was only a grain of sand in the universe, and in a universe made up of infinite multiverses… Ivan Braginsky was no one. No, he was less than no one. His life amounted to no significance at all.

If God had a purpose for everyone, He must have forgotten about him. Or maybe he was one of those extras destined to play a supporting role in someone else's journey to greatness. Either way, Ivan was tired of the emptiness.

He was tired of living every day in the constant cycle of… just living.

This bitter taste of ordinariness dulled his senses and brought pain that stemmed from nowhere.

There was no point to continuing his path if every step invoked unneeded suffering. He knew his path led to no destination, and he didn't want to bother to find out if he was right.

Lifting his scarf higher to guard himself against the morning chill, Ivan breathed into the warm wool. Eyes blank, and shoulders slumped, he walked towards the edge of the building.

More than three hundred meters above ground, Ivan looked down at the street below that was beginning to wake up from its slumber. He hoped his jump wouldn't cause that much trouble. People seemed to freak out so much about suicides. But why would they care if someone willingly decided to end what only concerned a single person. No, people didn't care. They liked to pretend they did. But in the end everyone merely cared about themselves.

Still keeping enough distance from the fringe of the skyscraper, he let out a low sigh.

How would he fall?

Should he walk off the building? Or did he actually have to jump down like diving into a swimming pool?

Fall down head first or fall backwards?

They were peculiar dilemmas to be debated, yet with lips pursed, Ivan considered his options.

Well he guessed it didn't matter in the end since the result would be the same for all of them.

Everything led to his body lying motionless on the ground. Blood, brain, and guts splattered everywhere.

He chuckled softly. Nothing about that image was particularly funny, but still his mouth contracted to form a bitter laugh.

Swallowing down a huge gulp of air, Ivan felt the breeze travelling down his throat and into his blood stream. His final moment of feeling alive before his clock stopped ticking.

He sighed again. Fingers running through the messy locks he hadn't brushed in days, he waited for the right time. Perhaps it wasn't time whom he was waiting for.

"Are you going to jump?"

The question came from beside him. Without even looking, Ivan knew who the owner of that voice was. His glassy eyes softened, and he glanced to his right.

"Hello Yao," he said to his old friend.

The man narrowed his eyes at him. Few strands of hair escaped from his elastic band, and they fluttered in the wind soundlessly. Wearing considerably more than Ivan, his hands were stuffed in the pockets of his jacket, and his feet lightly tapped rhythmically.

"Hello to you too Ivan," the man replied smoothly.

"Are you going to stop me?" Ivan smiled faintly. "Are you here to stop me from jumping?"

"It's going to be messy you know."

"What?" Ivan looked innocently at him.

Yao rolled his eyes, showing a hint of annoyance. "After you jump, your dead body is going to create a lot of trouble for others. People have to clean up the blood, the gore, and they have to identity you, and the police will be alerted, and it's going to be all over the news, and-"

"It's my life." He interrupted him, his tone cold and unfeeling. "Strangers will get over an insignificant case of suicide. It's my life and I get to decide whether I want it or not."

His company observed him with balanced intensity and indifference. "Vanya, Vanya, Vanya…" he whistled. "You're always so dramatic."

"So I take it you're here to stop me?" Ivan questioned.

"Well," Yao shrugged. "Do you want me to? I hope you didn't forget the _nature_ of our relationship."

His mouth stretching into a thin smile, Ivan tore his gaze away from him. "How could I forget…"

"So then Ivan let me ask you again. Do you want me to stop you?"

"No…" Ivan whispered tiredly, knowing Yao would ignore his answer.

"How do you think your sisters are going to react?" He was right, Yao ignored his comment. "Hmm? Have you ever thought about Kat and Natalya somewhere in your selfish little brain? Do you even realize what your death would mean for them? And your parents? Well? Have you even thought about the look on their faces when they find out that their only son killed himself?"

"They would get over it," Ivan exclaimed loudly. "They would. Trust me… Kat is already busy with her life as the mother of two toddlers, being a housewife and managing a business. Natalya is in medical school and she has a boyfriend. They don't even have time to visit me during holidays. And my parents? You know they went back to Russia, and they always thought of me as a failure anyways." The pain grew with every word that came out of his mouth, yet he kept going. "So Yao, what more are you going to say? Friends? You know very well I don't have any."

It was Yao's turn to look away from Ivan. "You're pathetic."

Ivan agreed with him. "I know."

The raven-haired man shook his head slowly. "You're drowning in self-pity, and…frankly, I don't know what to say anymore. Fine, you want to commit suicide? Okay. What do you want me to do? Should I push you? I think I should since I know you won't jump by yourself. You're not that brave."

"Can you? That'd be great." Ivan laughed. His wiped the dust from the corner of his eye. "But Yao…do you know why I didn't jump before you came?"

Yao knew the answer.

"Because I wanted to see you one last time." Ivan gave him the most genuine smile he had in years. "When I die I want you by my side."

" _I was always here…"_

"Yao, my dear Yao-Yao," Ivan continued, his eyes full of adoration and gratefulness. "Do you remember when we were kids? You were the only one willing to play with me on the playground. We were little pirates, can you believe that. We made sand castles and you pushed me on the swing, _Vanya is going to grow wings and fly_! That was what you said. I had a happy childhood because of you…you were my best friend." Ivan uttered fondly. "On the first day of high school, I had no one. I didn't know where to sit in the cafeteria, so we sat together in the courtyard. It was just the two of us for all four years, but I wasn't lonely at all. You went to see the movies I wanted to see with me because I had no one else to ask. And even though you hated romantic comedies, you were swooning the entire time while I almost fell asleep." He laughed softly at his remembrance. "And you were also there to train me for my first date, damn you were my best wingman. Actually you were a pretty good study partner as well, and of course you even helped me with my first job interview. I didn't get the job, but you said I'd get the next one. And so I did."

Ivan closed his eyes. His body trembled, and he could hear the sound of his heart writhing in torment. But he needed to say it out loud. "So Yao… do you understand my pain now? Of course you do… But that's the thing. Yao…y-you…" Ivan screamed into his hands. "You are…" The tears bursted forth like water from a dam, spilling down his face. "You…are my…ahh," he cried despairingly. "You are most important person!"

Yao stood in silence. A different kind of sadness was reflected on his face. "I know."

"AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN REAL!" Ivan shouted into the air.

"I know."

"You don't exist!" Ivan broke down, the noisy sobs echoed on the rooftop. "You're just an imaginary friend I made up because I was a lonely little kid desperate for a friend! And then you became my entire life! DAMN IT, THE ONLY PERSON I HAVE IS NOT EVEN REAL! Do you know how I feel when I see people I used to know happily being with their families, with their children?! Do you even know how lonely that makes me feel?! I'm already thirty-two, and I still have nobody! I hate my job! I hate myself! I hate my life! And you!" He glared at Yao. "MY MOST IMPORTANT PERSON ONLY EXISTS IN MY HEAD."

His body was wrecked with great sobs and he shook like a leaf. No one in this world truly cared about him. Absolutely no one.

"I don't only exist in your head…" The man walked closer to him. Finger softly touching his left chest, pointing to where his heart was. "I exist in here too."

Ivan wanted to cry in his arms, yet he knew he was never able to touch him.

"I'm not real," Yao's voice rustled. "And yes, you did create me when you were a lonely boy who wanted a playmate. _Yao…_ It was the name of a Chinese restaurant your parents brought you to when you were three. Well you never were very creative." He chuckled. "But almost thirty years… I've been with you for almost thirty years. You said I am your most important person. But do you know what you are to me? You are my _everything_."

Yao grabbed his hand, and clutched it tightly against his chest. Even though Ivan knew he was not real, his hand felt so warm.

"Vanya," Yao said. "Please… let's go home."

"Hamlet's soliloquy that we memorized in high school," Ivan suddenly said. "To be or not to be. What was the answer?"

The imaginary man looked at him then smiled. " _For in that sleep of death what dream may come, when we have shuffled off this mortal coil…_ I… I want to see the sun rise again...with you."

Ivan closed his eyes for a long time. And when he opened them again, he was alone on the rooftop.

He had no one…only himself. And with that thought he slowly walked away.

* * *

AN: So Yao is imaginary and only exists in Ivan's head (and heart! T.T)... I wanted to write a scene where Ivan is contemplating about committing suicide ever since many months ago. But before, Yao was an actual person, a stranger, who made Ivan feel like perhaps there is a glimmer of light in his life. But you know what... I think it's better for a person to come to term with his life himself. Your life is your own, and even though it doesn't sound pretty, you are the only person you have for the duration of your life. Everyone leaves eventually, but you are stuck with yourself for the rest of your life. So if a person truly wants to die, no one can change their mind if they cannot even convince themselves to live. Basically this entire story is about Ivan's inner struggles, his internal battle, seeing that Yao is a part of Ivan (don't think inappropriately! :P) I didn't know how to categorize this. It's not romance, but is it friendship or family? Well in the end I chose family because their love for each other is almost unconditional.

Yao's last sentence italicized is from Hamlet's "to be or not to be" soliloquy. Actually the whole story centers on that idea of contemplating the consequences of living and dying. It is a beautiful soliloquy truly and I highly recommend reading it..

Enough rambling lol. Thank you for reading!


End file.
